


Synchronize

by kirogaraii



Series: A Bitter Sweet World : ShuuKazu [2]
Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: (quail bfs is referenced here but not really), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, BitterSweet AU : ShuuKazu, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Medical Procedures, Other, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22563226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirogaraii/pseuds/kirogaraii
Summary: Kazuaki can't shake off the uneasy feeling that he was left with the day prior. Everything is piling up on itself- and the infirmary continues to be a place where he breaks and is put together again.(also more foreshadowing to what happened between the quails.)
Relationships: Iwamine Shuu/Nanaki Kazuaki (Original)
Series: A Bitter Sweet World : ShuuKazu [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1623460
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	Synchronize

After that encounter with the school doctor, Kazuaki found himself unable to truly shake off the feeling of… What could it possibly be called? English has so many adjectives, and yet, the only thing that came to his mind was “desolate”, like a grey ruin, which once as a house inhabiting a family, burnt to the ground by fire.

The school day, despite his rather obvious mood, went by smoothly without any students questioning him. There was an instance or two where Kazuaki’s mind trailed off in the middle of a lecture, but he quickly stuttered himself awake again. And after a few hours of that, the bell finally rang its signal, and most students began packing up and going home.

He sat in the staff room by himself, staring into his phone screen when,

“Hey, Kazuaki.” someone familiar nudged him on the shoulder. “You okay?”

“Ah...Hi.” he looked up at his... _ friend’s _ slightly concerned face, “Hitori. Yeah, I’m alright. My legs hurt, so I sat down for a bit.”

Hitori’s eyes landed on the white bandages, slightly visible through the bloodied knee rims of Kazuaki’s jeans. “Ouch. Did you go to Iwamine about that?”

“Yes, I did.”

“...Alright.” Hitori wasn’t sure how to work with that reply, “...That’s good.”

The two continued a stiff smalltalk until Hitori put a hand over his mouth to yawn, and said that he needs to go do something, bring something, take something, go somewhere… It didn’t mean much, did it?

It’s not like Kazuaki has a reason to care about what Hitori does, nowadays.

But his indifference about him was not because of the curse that Shuu seemed to have casted on him. No, both of the quails are on these  _ terms _ for a more sensible reason..

“Bye!”

Kazuaki watched as his ex-boyfriend disappeared into the hallway. Yes. Tomorrow is Friday, and then, it will be four weeks since their… break up.

Kazuaki bit his lip and scowled at the floor at the memory. To think that he has to work at the same school as this man now, and has no choice but to long for him. Hitori seemed kind of hurt too, but it was him who broke it up afterall. He naturally has the ability to hide his sorrow. But when he walks around pretentiously, and acts like nothing in their friendship changed…

It makes Kazuaki wish for death.

* * *

He doesn’t hate Kazuaki, he doesn’t even dislike him. They are simply incompatible as romantic partners.

Hitori laid awake in bed and recalled...the night.

_ “You never care for me. It’s like- It’s like you’re unable to sympathize with anything unless it’s Nageki or involved with him.” _

Kazuaki growled at him with tears stinging his eyes. But all Hitori could do was give silence. Because he’s right, isn’t he? At some point in the last five years, Hitori’s heart went cold, just like Nageki, and he could never warm up again, unlike Nageki.

Everything is fine now, his brother is alive and happy to experience the world again. Thankfully he doesn’t recall those years of sleeping in a freezer. Hitori thought that he himself would wake up too, and he could make up to Kazuaki for the time they’ve spent… But it never came. And instead, Hitori shut him out.

They’re still friends. They have no choice but to be. Nageki likes Kazuaki too. But they need this distance.

Despite what Kazuaki accused him of, there Hitori was now. He wondered about Kazuaki, worried if his friend is benefiting from the distance too.

He picked up his phone and opened LINE. The green dot in the corner indicated that Kazuaki was online too. He typed the message.

「Please sleep, it’s midnight already. You’ll get six hours of sleep if you’re lucky.」

A bit to his surprise, Kazuaki responded almost instantly.

「im studying.」

「Good luck with that then. But is something bothering you?」

「...besides the usual… Yes.」

Curious, Hitori wanted to ask further, but another message appeared.

「I dont want to talk now though. you should sleep too.」

The brunet bit his lip and contemplated. Kazuaki often sounded shy, frightened, or joyous, but coldness like this didn’t suit him. But well, a wish is a wish. And Hitori won’t push him… He’s already pushed him enough, they both thought.

「Alright then. Gnight.」

And that was it, of the deep conversation. Hitori faced around to the wall and waited for sleep to come over him with ease... too much ease, as it always did.

  
  


However on the other side, Kazuaki flipped his phone around to avoid seeing the screen light up at notifications, and laid back down on the sofa. The whole apartment smelled a bit weird. Kazuaki tried to ventilate the rooms by opening a window, but it didn’t help much.

For some reason his futon didn’t seem comfortable anymore. He usually resorted to sleeping on the couch or under a kotatsu nowadays. But he wasn’t sleeping right now, and didn’t plan on doing so yet.

He wasn’t studying, not directly, at least. In his right hand, Kazuaki held a pen, and prepped against his knees, was his aged notebook.

Could it be called a diary? A place to vent? An outlet for his creativity and wildest of imaginations? Kazuaki didn’t enjoy looking at the pages that were already full of text. In fact, he avoided even glimpsing at anything prior to the freshest white ones. Seeing his raw emotions poured onto the pages wouldn’t have helped him. But staining new ones with dark blue ink did.

Kazuaki knew that this was one of the evenings where he’d benefit from writing here. Even a short haiku, unrelated to his life would satisfy his impatient hands, but that’s exactly the thing… Kazuaki feels empty.

Hitori was out of his life. Not entirely. Hell, they’ve spoken face to face a few hours ago. But his image was twisted and repulsive to Kazuaki. He liked him, loved him even, but Hitori betrayed him. And knowing that Hitori will never return those bittersweet feelings again, made him only more and more depressed.

Shuu Iwamine ailed him today. His knees barely hurt. Kazuaki didn’t shower, maybe that’s why, but it wasn’t just the bandage that he tenderly wrapped around him.

The way Shuu looked at him, the limpness of his hands. Kazuaki has spent some short lived time with Shuu to not be surprised by his predictably eerie demeanor.

But this is the first time, Kazuaki saw the doctor, and didn’t see an unobtainable bandaid-wrapping machine that only asks for organs and blood donations… Shuu looked sad. As sad as Kazuaki. Maybe even more. When Shuu placed his hands on Kazuaki’s bare thighs… What was he thinking? Did he even know himself?

The quail replayed the morning in his mind over and over again, clinging to every movement and word that escaped Shuu’s lips...

The pen twirled around between Kazuaki’s fingers as he pondered. He blinked his eyes back onto the page, and wrote.

_ throughout the fog I see _

_ a hand which reached out to me _

_ though there is a chain _

_ pulling it down _

...It’s not good, but that’s okay. There’s enough empty space on the page to keep Kazuaki awake for an hour longer, as he continued to search for a haiku that’d affirm his thoughts.

After many minutes spent contemplating what he should rhyme with “violet”, Kazuaki’s eyes closed in on themselves, and he fell asleep with the pen staining his already unclean blouse.

* * *

  
  


Shuu watched in the corner of his eye as the time on phone screen slowly progressed minute by minute. He did ask Kazuaki to come to the infirmary next morning, didn’t he? To change the knee bandage.

His tired eyes glid across the two encyclopedias laid out in front of him, and the three piles of documents, waiting to be polished up and archived today.

...He clenched his jaw, as that aforementioned noise returned. Shuu identified it as ringing; the feeling of anticipation. If only he could pinpoint what the exact cause of it is, and eliminate it. Kazuaki Nanaki’s existence can’t possibly be the sole reason for this, and yet,

Shuu’s eyes shot towards the door as it slowly slid open. “...Hello~...I’m here, doctor. Like you asked.”, and there was that breathy mumbly voice.

“...Good morning-...Nanaki.” The doctor looked down to see that today, Kazuaki’s outfit choice was a lot more…loose. A sweatshirt and bomber jacket, and most importantly, loose cargo pants that could be cuffed instead of forcing Kazuaki to take them off entirely for the sake of bandaging his knees. “...Ah, I didn’t recognize you at first. Go ahead and sit down over there again.”

“Mhm.” Kazuaki tried to hum all cool and nonchalantly. Being unrecognized by Shuu was a bit embarrassing, somehow. He slowly approached the bed that he was on yesterday, and sat down. His hair’s grease surely must’ve looked amplified in this horrendous infirmary lighting. He ran a hand through his golden locks and immediately wiped it against his pants. Ew. Ew.

Kazuaki flinched when Shuu kicked forward a stool right in front of him. The doctor sure was working faster today. Shuu sat down, also dragging the trash can and bandage along.

All they had to do was switch out the bandages for new ones. Kazuaki cowered like yesterday and avoided the sight of his bloodied knees. Shuu daintily flipped the materials around, and yes, Kazuaki eased just as nicely as yesterday when the doctor handled him with care.

Before he knew it, Shuu announced that the work is done with a light tap on Kazuaki’s leg. “The wound seems to be healing properly without signs of infection. Refrain from hot water as always. If you find that the bandages feel tight, and the skin around your knee is hot, come by on Monday as well. Now then...” He stood up and headed right the other way without even glancing his patient in the face.

Kazuaki sheepishly pulled the cuffs of his pants back down and continued to stare in awe at the doctor’s back. Maybe the cute bow in his hair specifically- But regardless… It’s just how he predicted. Shuu Iwamine repeated the same routine. Every single day. He was cleaning the equipment, it seemed, even though Kazuaki wasn’t sure if he even used anything that would’ve gotten dirty from… changing a bandage.

...The silence between them felt like a bit of fresh air, though. The professor gazed around the rather large infirmary room with no particular thing in mind. This place was so clean and sleek. Less formal than a hospital for sure, but for a moment Kazuaki wondered why this place has been declared the scariest place in the school. He found it quite homey. The mattress on which he was sitting felt nice as well. He bounced on it a few times.

...For some reason, almost suspiciously, Shuu hasn’t ordered him to leave the room yet. Maybe he forgot?

He proceeded to sneak around the place then. One hand in his pocket, stepping carefully as to not irritate those annoying knees. After a bit, Kazuaki finally found himself in front of one of the closed cabinets, where behind glass windows he could spot brands upon brands of medications. This seemed like a bit of an excessive collection for a school infirmary... The shelves look more like those of a pharmacy instead.

His eyes landed on some of the brands. Kazuaki did not know a lot about many things, but some of these complicated drug names sparked some familiarity in him. Yes, some of these he recognized... as anxiety medication.

...He hasn’t taken prescribed medication in quite a while. For a simple reason, but nonetheless he wondered...Does the infirmary have the medication that Kazuaki took for his anxiety a few months ago? That’d be quite convenient.

Kazuaki leaned in closer, putting one hand against the glass, and squinted his insomniac eyes to scan over the countless cases and cartons…

Then he noticed that the hatch to this cabinet appeared to be open. A hand wandered over to widen the gap, and reached in to gently lift a packaging... This wasn’t an over the counter drug. It appeared to be something custom. There was no label, only a formula written with a marker...

The water continued to run quite audibly in the distance of the infirmary, but suddenly Kazuaki felt something press into the small of his back.

“Looking for something in particular, professor?”

The low voice felt like it was just an inch away from his head. Kazuaki froze in place.

“...Sedative hypnotics, hm. What is that what you’re pointing at...ah, this is a very exciting specimen indeed.

Blue heavens. What an interesting choice. A barbiturate derivative, quite an aged one too. Developed all the way in Germany, between the two world wars.Yes indeed, this is a drug that was given to irritable soldiers.”

In the corner of his eye, Kazuaki watched as Shuu’s pale fingers approached the carton in his hand, stroking it.

“...Blue heavens...Blue velvet, blue devils— downers...yes, that’s the name they usually go by.

...Say, Nanaki. Are you thinking of suicide?”

He held his breath.

“...An overdose, this would be. A very easy one at that. Not much effort is needed to overdose on this recreational drug. But, mm, I wouldn’t use this one if I were you.

After you swallow just a few of these pills, you’ll begin to feel intoxicated and dizzy. Your movements will appear sluggish, and uncoordinated. This is a psychotic, therefore it’ll alter your thinking and judgement.

Perhaps by that point... you’ll change your mind about suicide. Therefore your instinct is to vomit it back up, but alas your limbs feel like they’re made of unfeeling rubber. You try to flex your fingers, but all that comes out is a weak squeeze.

You begin to panic. Your throat starts to tighten, stealing your breath, and drowning out any calls for help that you attempt.

You will crawl on the floor, and choke on spit while your lungs continue to slow down. Perhaps you’ll even succeed in vomiting, but it is far too late by then to reverse the effect. The drug is flowing through your bloodstream, and soon it reaches your vital organs…

You are dying. Your body is your stiff unmoving prison, and your mind is screaming. You fall into a coma. Whether you dream or not doesn’t matter, because in just another more agonizing five minutes, your heart continues to slow down.

You start to feel cold. Relieved, maybe. In your last seconds, your brain produces its last share of serotonin to make the floor around you feel pleasant.

By the time anyone comes to your house because of the smell of your rotting corpse, it could’ve been days or weeks.

You die covered in stomach acid, sweat, and whatever other bodily fluids your corpse let out once it’s muscles ceased tension.”

Shuu said with a smile on his lips,

“...Was it worth it, Nanaki? You’re so sensitive to pain, are you not?

Out of the many ways to die or otherwise kill yourself, I don’t think an overdose suits you. Suicide is meant to be a relief, right? It’s supposed to free you from the burden that is being sentient. Therefore going out with the most pain you’d ever feel in your pitiful life will only make your last five seconds on earth full of regret. It would be quite tragic, if in your last moments on earth, you decided to live afterall.

I propose this, professor.

Do you know what the fastest and most painless way to die is?”

A cold hand travelled upwards, gently landing on his neck.

“...It’s beheading. Once your head is severed from the body, it’ll only take a few seconds before you really die. And chances are that you’ll have fainted from shock in the first moment regardless.

And the excellent part is that after you die like this, your body will remain clean and in tact. Your organs will serve wonderfully for research. I’ll make great use of every single inch of your body that I see fit. The drug or otherwise that I would invent thanks to your sacrifice would serve, thousands, millions, maybe?

...You’ll die painlessly, you’ll die quickly, and you’ll nobly serve the field of medicine.

...Isn’t that wonderful?

Having a purpose, and dying in peace.

Aren’t those things… the two fundamentals of living a life?

...Nanaki?”

The skin under Shuu’s touch was warm, almost sticky. His eyes which were focused on the drug between them finally rose up to see Kazuaki’s face. Frozen. Pale like the walls.

The packaging fell to the floor with a weak thud.

And then there was  _ screaming. _

Kazuaki let out a blood gargling screech, digging nails into his head. Sweating bullets, some of which even landed on the floor with his rapid lash.

The doctor took a step back, just barely missing Kazuaki’s flailing arm.

He wanted to run. He wanted to run away as far as possible. Into the comfort of his home, into the comfort of his blanket, even if it smelled weird, Kazuaki wanted to be anywhere but here and anywhere but where this image is. This image of him, choking for breath on the floor, right before him.

He saw it. He saw this future. He saw this picture that has haunted him five years ago, and returned now in the form of his one last escape. Even after all this time, he watched himself crawl on the floor and begging for help in a husky suffocated voice. He reached out, holding a firm grasp on Kazuaki’s leg.

He wanted to run, but his knees were limp. When he turned to take a step, all he did was collapse to the floor to a sitting position, bending his knees much to their protest and cowering into his arms. He didn’t exist. This infirmary didn’t exist. There was only him and the inside of his blouse, and the sounds of his cries, sobs, whines, gasps.

Shuu stood behind the shrunken Kazuaki on the tiled floor, and slowly crossed his arms.

He took a soundless step around the shivering, hunched body, to pick up the drug from the floor. He let out a sharp exhale upon straightening up again. What a pain his back is.

Placing the box back on its spot in the shelf, closing the door, and locking it this time for good, Shuu finally turned back around to see the greasy head of hair. Muffled sobs to the sweatshirt that Kazuaki hid his face in.

“W-Why…?”

Kazuaki hiccuped,

“Why did y-you tell m-”, but his sentence trailed off into a whisper.

Shuu made out the words that Kazuaki whispered inaudibly,

“I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna die,” he gasped, he whined, “I don’t wanna die, I don’t wanna kill myself, I don’t wanna die like that, I don’t wanna die at all, doct- doctor, why-” he bellowed, “-WHY DID YOU TELL ME THAT..!?”

At first glance, and at second glance too, it seemed like Shuu was staring down at the terrorized man with such apathy he might’ve as well been a statue. But his fist felt clammy, he gaped his lips.

Somehow Kazuaki felt the doctor get closer again, and he unraveled from his pose to jump back, breathing in more fresh air, now prepping himself up with one hand against the floor while the other protested weakly, shoving back Shuu who wasn’t even close enough to be touched by it; “STAY AWAY!”

Kazuaki glared at Shuu with an intense… concentrated, but completely wild emotion. His eyes and face have reddened from the pressure; “DON’T KILL ME!”

Shuu stared back at him, halfway hunched over, with a much calmer expression.

“...Nanaki. Kazuaki. Orient yourself. You’re in the infirmary, not a slaughterhouse.” he spoke flatly, “You’re not going to die.”

“I DON’T BELIEEVE YOU..!!” Kazuaki’s shrill voice made Shuu’s shoulders squirm, almost grimacing for a second.

“Kazuaki, look at this.” Shuu looked down, and retreated his hand to his chest instead. He tugged at the tie around his neck, and pulled it from underneath the sweater vest, letting it tangle like a pendulum beneath his chin. “...Look at my tie, and tell me how many red stripes you can count.”

Kazuaki’s widened eyes remained fixed on his face, but seeing that Shuu himself continued to look down, his focus turned to the necktie. He continued to breathe heavily, gasping as tear after tear rolled down his cheeks, but he looked at the pattern.

He knew what Shuu was trying to do. He obliged. He put all of his focus to the stripes, and whispered counted numbers under his breath.

“F-...Five? Or six…?”

He hushed.

“Yes.” Shuu replied calmly. That complete unfeelingness in his voice, now that Kazuaki listened to it beggingly, it seemed nurturing.

“Now, Kazuaki... Breathe in for seven seconds, and exhale with your mouth for eight seconds.” Shuu loosened the blouse collar around his neck just slightly, “I’ll do it with you.”

“...Mhm.”

Once that assurance has been made, Kazuaki’s hand retreated to hold onto his thigh, and he began to slowly breathe. Seeing Shuu do it without hitching and hiccuping felt demeaning, but the other simply waited another second, so they could synchronize again.

After a minute of that, Shuu carefully sat on the floor in front of Kazuaki, looking somewhat irritated at his leg, but tried to hide the discomfort on his face.

They continued the exercise for another two minutes. Afterwards, came a moment of silence, and breathing at a normal pace. Shuu bit his lip, and finally concluded.

“...I’m sorry.”

Those words seemed too surreal to Kazuaki. He wasn’t sure if he could ever even imagine hearing that phrase come from Shuu. The start was rough, cold as everything else that escaped the doctor’s lips. He looked like he meant to, wanted to, say more than that, but the words got stuck in his throat.

It didn’t feel sympathetic, but Shuu stared at the floor, almost ashamed.

“...Your knee.” he pointed out unsurely, “...How does it feel? The wound must’ve opened again from your crash.”

Kazuaki’s leg inched farther away. He gritted his teeth at the sting of pain that that awoke in his legs, but insisted with a low voice, “It’s fine.”

“...What is, your knee? Or your emotional state?”

The quail sniffled, but refused to answer. Shuu waited another moment before his quiet voice returned.

“...I’d simply like to know what you were trying to achieve… By rummaging through the cabinets full of poison.

You talk about suicide every single day, therefore I thought perhaps you’ve gotten the courage to finally act on it.”

Kazuaki scoffed, but Shuu continued:

“Therefore I tried to stop you.”

“...Huh…?”

“I suppose I succeeded, didn’t I? I did my best to discourage you from dying, even by my own ha—“

“N-No, but wait...suicide? You wanted to save me from suicide?”

They looked each other in their uncomfortable faces.

“...What were you looking for otherwise?” Shuu knitted his brows, “Don’t tell me that you simply reached in and grabbed the most powerful sedative in this building to ‘hang out’.”

“It’s not like I knew what I was holding.” Kazuaki said, “Not everyone is a chemistry genius that can read formulas like it’s a second language, Iwamine.”

Shuu seemed somewhat cornered by that. For some reason this simple fact didn’t cross his mind.

“...B-But...I was wondering, simply…” Kazuaki began, but then scoffed in what felt like a forced laugh. This situation is so ironic, it made him want to cry again. “...I was wondering if you have the...anxiety medication that I could take.”

Once the opportunity to do something he’s actually good at- instead of what he’s the worst at, which is consolation- arose, Shuu looked back up at the other. “Ah. Is that so. I might. What is it, exactly?”

“...Uhhh…” Kazuaki stammered, “...Something with...with an ‘a’...”

Shuu sighed defeatedly, but then the other lit up, “I don’t remember, but I wrote it on my phone” Kazuaki stammered, pulling out his smartphone to unlock it, “One...mo...ment…”

The doctor took the second to push himself up from the cold floor again, letting out another muffled grunt as this is probably the most exercise he’s done in a few days.

“Look! Do you have this?”. Shuu looked down at the few words on the screen presented and  _ hummed _ ambiguously.

With that reaction, he limped his way to a few cabinets farther into the room, and unlocked one. Kazuaki watched as Shuu took out a familiar looking orange bottle.

Shuu returned to the blond on the floor, but didn’t give him the pills just yet. “...Can you stand up?”

“A-Ah, right.” Kazuaki shifted to a slightly less ungraceful pose, and with some distress, finally stood up. At last he is towering over Shuu instead of the other way around. “...My legs really hurt again…”, he whimpered. His eyes seemed to produce tears without the slightest conscious effort. Shuu was almost impressed by that, but only cleared his throat. “Well that is expected. Your blood pressure rose, and you bent them pretty harshly. I take that you don’t want me to take a look at them again, though.”

“...Yeah, yeah...Can I have th...that?”

“Hey there, if you say it like that, I’ll take you for a junkie.” Shuu smirked, handing Kazuaki his more or less of a prescription, “I’m kidding.”

“Uu-...Thank you…!” Kazuaki looked at the bottle.  _ Shuu somehow managed to write his name and the date on there while he wasn’t looking…? He really has ninja reflexes. _

And that took Kazuaki off guard yet again, when he looked around, Shuu was already near his desk, flipping through the pages of his notepad. Trying to ignore the burning in his injuries, Kazuaki walked up behind the doctor to see what he’s writing over his shoulder.

“I am simply documenting that I gave you this drug today. No need to be suspicious.” Shuu explained indifferently.

“I’m not feeling suspicious… I’m curious…~”

“Mhm. If you keep looming over my shoulder like this I’ll snip your nose off.” Shuu made a scissor-gesture with his hand, and that was enough to make Kazuaki flinch back and cover his nose defensively, “Waah! No! I’m not brave enough for plastic surgery yet!”

“Well that’s a shame. Please let me know when you do.” Satisfied with the exchange, Shuu returned to the chart in front of him.

“...You’re not willing to leave yet, professor?” he said bluntly, “Are you looking for a second panic attack?”

That question made Kazuaki hurt a bit on the inside. “Y-Yeah I gotta, but… I’m just wondering how you even have specific meds like this in the infirmary…” He looked at the bottle again.

Shuu remained quiet for a moment. He underlined something on the paper, his voice turning quiet, “In a school of three hundred students, and thirty staff members, do you really think that you’re the only bird with mental problems?” He murmured, “Besides, this building used to be the biggest laboratory in the district. I could probably find the ingredients for an atomic bomb if I searched hard enough in the basement. Benzodiazepines are nothing.”

Kazuaki didn’t hear that last part. “...R-Right...mm...I didn’t think about that…”

“In fact, you’re not even that much of a minority…” Shuu began, but then hesitated. “...I take that same drug.”

“...Huh? For anxiety?” Kazuaki tilted his head.

“Yes. Since it’s your prescription, I assume you know how to correctly use it.” Shuu returned to face the other, with the notepad in hand, and leaning back against his desk. “It’d be a shame if you messed that up, wouldn’t it.”

“Oh, of course. I simply ran out of it a while ago, and...didn’t...go get more of it...so I guess I’ve withdrawn a bit…”

“A bit?”

“Two months…?”

“That’s a long enough time, then. But may I ask why you didn’t refill?” Shuu made a daring assumption, “Do you not have professor Uzune to hold your hand into a pharmacy?”

Kazuaki bit his lip, shaking his head, “...No. I don’t.”

That’s surprising. The doctor nodded slowly, deciding to not push the topic any further. The fact that Kazuaki sometimes takes and sometimes doesn’t medication in itself is a bit of a strange concept to him. At the very least, Shuu never noticed differences in how Kazuaki acts since he’s met him for the first time. But that is also the thing, isn’t it…he hardly pays attention to things unimportant to him.

That has...changed, apparently.

“Well, anyhow,” Shuu chose to wrap the conversation up, “Is that all? I’d like to continue working without nosy quails pecking around in the infirmary.”

“...Mhm.” With a bit of a limp in his walk, Kazuaki returned to the bed to pick up his bag, and hide the meds in one of its inner pockets. His eyes widened when he caught a glimpse of the clock on his phone, “O-Oh shit, it’s 10 past already?! Oh—”

Well, he can’t make a run for the staff room and then his classroom, so the time will only grow, but,

“Um, bye bye, Iwamine!” he waved at the other in the doorstep, who only returned him with a stiff nod.

“See you.”

When the door slid shut, Shuu finally let out a long sigh, massaging his temples.

...At the very least, this time, Kazuaki may have heard his goodbye. Now he can work, in slightly better peace. Surely this ringing will pass sooner or later.  
  
  


As the professor trotted hastily through the empty hallways of shame, he found it hard to concentrate on the class that he planned for his students. Forcibly he placed worksheets in the upfront of his mental image, but the idea of Shuu crept up through the words like a messed up overlay.

Perhaps he managed to calm himself down in the infirmary only temporarily. Iwamine’s voice, his hands, his implications, it all etched itself so deep into Kazuaki’s memory…

The fact that he had to teach now was really a bummer, but on the bright side, maybe getting to set himself in a lecture would be enough of a distraction from the shadows in his mind… More and more of them. New ones formed every day, and the old ones persisted.

  
  


…

  
  


_ i don’t want to die _

Half an hour into the evening, those were the only words Kazuaki’s hand scribbled onto the page of his notebook.

_ i don’t want to be alone _

Because when he lies under his blanket like this, with no background noise in his home, that’s when his mind is at its clearest. The stress of being around people forms a cloud in his vision and he escapes all situations with little recollection. It’s both a coping mechanism and a curse, probably. The impact of the school day always crashes down on Kazuaki in the evening.

He closed his eyes, and saw the infirmary.

He saw the formula on a white carton, written messily with a black marker. He smelled the sanitizer in the air, and he felt Shuu’s hand enter his field of vision, only to disappear beneath his chin. The gesture that he will be decapitated. The gesture that he will die right there and then.

The image of himself dying alone of an overdose, with no one there to mourn him.

_ “You talk about suicide every single day, therefore I thought perhaps you’ve gotten the courage to finally act on it. I tried to stop you.” _

...The words that Shuu said back then did not hit him until now. Trying to stop him… from killing himself… but why?

All he did was interrupt the doctor and change the topic. What a horrible thing to do. What an absolutely horrible thing Kazuaki did.

Shuu… He meant well. He didn’t comfort Kazuaki in the same way that  _ Hitori _ would, but the more he fixated on it, the more guilty he felt about the scene back there.

...Wait, does he have Shuu’s phone number?

He should have— Yes! Yes he does! He needs to, because of what happened  _ there, back then, _ they decided that the best course of action is for all three of them to stay in contact. He has never texted the doctor before, it seemed scary. Shuu Iwamine seemed like someone who wouldn’t even know how to use a smartphone. Maybe he uses a rotary phone instead, but  _ anyway- _

In the depths of his contact list (which really wasn’t long at all), there he saw it. The name of the man, the chukar partridge, the fluffy heretic. Iwamine Shuu, paired with absolutely no information except the one phone number.

The message board was so ominously white and empty that it alone intimidated Kazuaki from actually saying something.

But he has to, he has to, it’s Friday, so he won’t see the other till Monday. He needs to do it now, while his energy is at its short lived surge.

Kazuaki smeared some grease off his screen with a sleeve, and concentrated his supposedly prestigious-level vocabulary, to form a few words into the speech bubble.

「Good evening, doctor Iwamine. It’s me, Nanaki. Earlier this morning I did not have time to give you a proper thanks, but here it is now. Thank you for your work at the infirmary. And thank you for reassuring me. Now that I’ll be taking these pill things, I hope that I’ll be less of a burden to you and everyone else. Have a nice night!」

...Yeah, this is fair. Better press send before he sees a hundred mistakes in here and decides to not say it after all. With a hesitant thumb, Kazuaki confirmed it, and watched the still screen for a few seconds.

Just as he was about to power off his phone and continue with the notebook session, he saw the status dot in the corner turn green. Woah.

And then three dots? Woah!

Sweat already began to form behind Kazuaki’s bangs— oh geez he really does need to shower. _In a minute._

「I am simply doing my work as a doctor. I am glad to hear that you are pleased, though.」

How straightforward! But wait, there’s more…

「Please cease talking so low of yourself. I am responsible for causing you distress, after all. Goodnight.」

...Kazuaki stared. He read the words over and over again, and had no choice but to agree, somehow… But if Shuu said that he had good intentions with it, then that’s all that matters!

He felt warm in his face, somewhat. But before he could open the keyboard again to write a quick message, Shuu has gone offline again.

Well, maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s a very good thing. Before Kazuaki gets all mushy and cries for no reason, this moment of pride and energy that this exchange has given him might be a good opportunity to take that damn shower.

「Thank you! I hope you’ll sleep well! Goodnight to you too! ♡」

Agh--! the heart emoticon was a reflex! Shit, the message has already been sent. Kazuaki paled, Shuu has read it.

「Thank you.」

Kazuaki sniffled, but then let out a nervous laugh. That… is an appropriate reaction.

Okay, this time for real, he needs to shower.

Before those feelings catch up to him again…

That… Ringing in his ear…


End file.
